Daddy

I was told that I was daddy's little girl and that I hold a special place in my father's heart .

My dad passed away in April of 1999 in Cambodia. I remember our last remaining days together where I often called him every afternoon and we would talk for a few minutes about life and our daily updates. It was also the time where he wanted me to show the new rubber shoes I bought for him and how he has so happy and how it fitted him well. The news of my dad's death came to me when I was on a motorbike on my way back home. When my mom told me that he's gone. I jumped from the bike and ran on the streets towards home crying so loud that all of our closest friends were already in our house and have heard of my wails and came immediately to comfort me on the streets. I was a total wrecked during the days of the wake but one has to be strong as well as we needed to bring dad's body back to the Philippines, where the rest of the family awaits for us.

My dad.. A very loving, caring, supportive father for us all.. always there for us in times of troubles and happiness. Never ceased to continue showing his love for us. Never ceased to provide us guidance about growing up, about the world out there, about love, and all other things that we need to prepare ourselves in the outside world. He made sure that even minor problems are shared, as he often says.. " it is better that you express your fears and problems and ask for guidance than doing it all alone until you were not aware that your fear has turned you into something else and for a problem not to get worsen"..

I have grown to confide in him my thoughts and problems as he often would lend me his shoulder to cry on and comforted me with his loving words.. He was my strength during the times I was weak. There were so many instances as well that we would also fight a lot cos I can be so stubborn at times. I tend to break his rules most often but he was there guiding me more. He taught me to be conscious of security and my safety that being his eldest child and his only girl and he being an officer in the military -- taught me great things that I was able to apply in my daily life. I can go on and on writing about his greatness that I often find myself ideally wishing and hoping that my sons will be like him when they grow up.

What I miss most of not having a father now..

To cry on when I feel so alone, empty and telling him about my fears.. A comfort when I needed someone to just appreciate me for what I am and what I am not.. celebrate with during triumphs.. a smile and nod for reassurance that what I am doing is right.. advice and guidance on certain things that I find to be a continous challenge in life, love, marriage and raising children...hope and strength in times of losing something that you believed in.. a hot warm meal specially made for you.. coming home where he is there waiting for you even it was in the wee hours of night..

I miss you a lot dad.. it is so different without you. I continue to struggle alone without a father to be there by my side. I have learned to live and decide on my own specially when there are moments that a guidance from a father is needed.

Your legacy and love is always with me..in us dad..Thank you for all the things that you have taught me over my growing years.. preparing me to be the person I am now.. I hope that I am not letting you down from all the past decisions or future decisions that I shall made.. I know you are out there for us..

FOR TWO WEEKS ONLY

I was blessed to be given the chance to be in the Philippines for two weeks work and assist my office in the emergency response for the typhoon affected areas. It was such an eye opener for me. It has been years since I last worked in my own country and I had so many mixed feelings.

I arrived in Manila on a friday, with a storm signal no. 3! Did I brought the typhoon with me? I hope not.. I visited several areas within NCR , South and North. My heart bled for my fellow Filipinos who were affected with the disaster and their frustations as well. I wanted to write more about the internal struggle and challenges they all faced but I decided not to since this will cause too much issues.. Let me then just described the strong resiliency of my fellow Filipinos-- even how much they are suffering from losing their house, property or even loved ones. Yet, they still manage to smile.

On the other side of the story, I have come into terms with myself over the time I was there. So many things happened and unforgetable experience that will be kept in my memory. It was a time I guess where I could agree with the saying " When God closes one door, he somehow opens a window". I have meet wonderful people over the time I was there and even became my new found friends. Most of them have come from different age group ( mostly younger than me) which somehow made me feel young again! I have learned a lot from them- the life that they lead, their ideology in life and much more.

I have spent time as well with my old college friends ( plus their husbands & boyfriends) and as usual, we always had to reminisce the old times--where we are still 20lbs lighter! We never had a moment of silence. Then goes another set of friends whom I have been close over the years. Basically, there was never a day or night that I was surrounded with friends--old and new. They have somehow became my support during those days that I was somehow hiding sadness in my heart. -- and Ill say " Thank you so much"! Things would have been so different without you..without me meeting you.. YOu made it all so easy for me :)

The finale of my two weeks stay was the time spent with my son, Patrick. We both had the chance to have the mother and son bonding. I have learned new things from him. He has changed from my " little boy" to " a growing man". I am so proud of what he is becoming to be. He has the sweetness, sense of humour and charm that you cant resist. He has the wit and creativity that was taken from his father. We spent most of our time, walking around and talking over coffee at Starbucks or in the wee hours of the night when we are about to sleep.. our conversation flowed about his plans, his school, friends, feelings, love.. anything under the sun..as if we are just best of friends until such time that our eyes were closed. I miss him so much, and I wish that I will be able to have more time spent with him in the coming months.

To sum it all, it was a great two weeks where it has indeed opened my eyes with so much reality in life, learned a lot from it and memories to cherish for a lifetime.

Till I see you all again..

Love Knows No Bounds

They say in your lifetime, you would experience major problems and challenges besides the daily ups and downs and that qualify as part of molding you a better person from learning through mistakes or it could also put you in the pit of darkness that could make you a less better person. Retracing back my memory 12 years ago, I had experience the big turn in my life and that really drove me down to the brink. Through that, It has continued to remind me of a family's love.

I was born in a family with full of love, laughter and support for each other. Inhibitions and condemnation is not a well know word for us. Everyone is openminded to everything ( well, I am sure there are hidden secrets now and then) but as far as I can remember when that hidden secret is revealed, no one was outcasted in the family but instead supported with spiritual, moral, physical and emotional support.

My mom's family ( the Perez ) continues to amaze me. From the early marriage of my " Tay & Nay" and how they raised their 6 children. I loved hearing Tay's stories over and over again.. on how he had to go fishing to feed his family and Nay had to sell fish in the bigger city. Despite the hardships in the early years of their life, it didnt stop them from pursuing their dreams and become successful -- owning one of the biggest scrap and metal junk shop and an in demand meals from the eatery & catering of my grandma during the peak of their adulthood. The great skills of my titos being a gunsmith-- molding, designing and repairing guns of all sorts and that has taken them to meet top officials in my country but remained humble in their life. The rest have gone to other professions as teachers and government employees. They were raised in a way of God loving and fearing ( being Christians -- charismatic, strong conviction for the love of God) and nothing is impossible if you believe in God's love. Those values were then handed over to all of us. Being a close knit family, everytime we are gathered, there's always the never ending stories of their childhood and our childhood and the sumptous food that each one made..especially of my Mom and Nay ( grandma). There's also the big sense of humour that surrounds us all..no one is spared of being tricked or teased.. and sometimes if you are new in the family ( either a gf/bf, a guest, a friend)..you are already part of the family and welcomes you with loving arms..We are one rowdy gypsy bunch!!... soon you would here laughters, singing and on-going cooking and eating.

My dad's family ( the Borja) is where I basically grew up and I was the first grand child of this clan. My lolo Fred was a war veteran and my lola Felisa owns a small grocery store. They raised 6 children. Both my dad and my uncle went to pursue being a soldier and became high ranking officers but unfortunately was taken in this world at an early age of their life. The rest pursued to be a banker, a government official and a lawyer. I was 7 years old when my mom took the job and later on my dad followed in Morong, Bataan as humanitarian workers. It was the decision from my grandparents that I stay on with them in Legaspi to continue my primary school. They have shown me how a grandparents love for their children is beyond the love of a parent to their children. I was spoiled by them.. my lolo and lola , my uncles and my aunts. But mind you, even I was spoiled, I had my fair share of " old school punishment" from my naughtiness & stubborness ( and i will write more about it next time).. kneeling for several minutes with my arms raised and books in both hands, spanking my butt by using the dried long tail of a stingray! I was that naughty little girl. But those things does not comprise of the love I have felt from my dad's family. My lolo used to walk with me in the morning to school ( since my school was just a few minutes walk from their house), on how he would often tell me stories of his life, taught me life's greatest lesson ( which i believed he played a big role of my passion to become a nurse) and my lola who has given me so much love one can never imagine. My auntie Titing who became my surrogate mother and a best friend. She is the epitome of a woman --very caring and loving. Auntie Nene being the youngest became like my older sister, that until now, we treat each other like one.

My cousins and brothers have been my ever bestfriends-- each one of them has its own unique stories and memories of our childhood adventures which even now we are older, wiser and naughtier..there's always that strong unique bond of closeness and love.

Both of these family has given me and the rest of us the arms to survive in this world. One's problem is embraced by everyone. Although they would not meddle in your affairs or issues but when you needed them, they are there to give you all the support you need in different forms-- may it be praying with you, advices, making you laugh, a hug, long hours of listening to your woes, being just there when you feel that you are alone even there are no words said.We are not a perfect family, most of us has gone through worst moments in our lives.. but I have not witnessed or heard a word uttered that they have condemned the person or spiteful words that one can feel more demoralized in a troubled mind state. They will continue you to remind you of God's powerful love and thier love.

Thats where I survived and I continue to survive from all the troubles, failures and pains I have gone through in my life.When I fall and crumble and feel that everything fails.. I felt I was never alone. The love of my family never fails to linger in my heart and mind and that helped me slowly stand up with might and pick up the pieces again..that's what happened to me 12 years ago and I am what I am now because of them.

I also believed that because of them, I have learned the true meaning of love and loving is all about giving irregardless it could hurt you deeply and painfully or giving to the fullest but in the end, you will always have a smile in your heart because I was taught by them that love knows no bounds.

I am so blessed to have been given this family and I am so proud of them. My pride, joy and respect to the Borja & Perez Clan. Thank you to all of you. I love you all..